Survived

As I look back, I think it is appropriate that my last post was about feeling 'under the weather' since shortly after I was hospitalized for several months and have been struggling to recuperate. I won't talk about the turmoil and ensuing drama of that time period, I like to focus on one simple fact.

I survived.

I like to draw from my experiences, we're told that wisdom comes from experience after all. I believe situations are subjective, however, we may all learn different things from the same event. I think I learned 2 important things in the last few months. 

1.

Believe in yourself.

It doesn't matter if other people ridicule or judge you, don't let them dictate how you feel about yourself. Whether you're dreaming of being a superstar or struggling with a long term illness that isn't visible to the 'naked eye' there will always be those who do not believe in you. Make sure you are not one of those people.

2.

You are stronger than you think.

 

It's always easier to sit down and give up when the task at hand seems daunting, but those are the times that you really learn what you are made of. After recent events I have a new respect for myself and what I am capable of, but I know that I'm still going to feel overwhelmed at situations and, well, life. I hope to look back and think "This is what you can do."

Tired.

I've been slightly 'under the weather' so I've just felt tired most of the week. Irritable and moody, I can hardly stand myself these last few days. I find that my patience, usually thin, is even more scarce. Especially with The Mom and day to day issues.

My 'to-do' list isn't dwindling as quickly as I would like, so I'm starting to get impatient and feel overwhelmed. But I lack focus and motivation.

I think the biggest thing is I'm still looking for work. Who isn't in this economy. It's been months and I am exhausted physically and emotionally from it. Wednesday appeared to be a beacon in the storm, it was a productive day and I got a message from a prospective job. Maybe I'm just impatient, but after returning their message I expected to hear something almost immediately, but it has been days and no word. So I'm feeling let down and deflated all over again. Just tired.

Weekly Rewrite

Looking back and ahead has given me new perspective, not only in day to day life, but also in my own habits and choices. I've noticed a pattern in my life; I'm always quick to focus on the negative. I used to think that this was because I had so much of it (more than my share) or that nothing positive existed.

It's not just merely overlooking the silver lining. Much like focusing on the cloud itself so intently that it consumed me, paralyzed and overwhelmed I felt lost. Day after day it surrounded and suffocated me, until I felt like there was nothing left of myself. Hopeless, alone, worthless... You name it.

It colored my entire life.

Last month's onslaught of tragedy reminded me of a great many things. Not only is life, itself, a gift, the greater gift is time. What you make of the time you have is up to you. I know that might sound like regurgitated Hallmark fluff, but it boils down to this. Things happen everyday. Good. Bad. Death. Life. It's what we choose to do with each of them that really matters.

I can choose to focus on the negative things in my life, believe me there are plenty. But it robs me of the joy of existing and potential positivity. Rays of light, no matter how small, that I couldn't see because I was too busy staring into the abyss.

(I'm not talking about depression. That is in itself a completely different animal.)

I have no misguided notions that I will transform into a 'perky cheerleader' type personality overnight. I know that I will still have bad days and moments of hopelessness. But looking ahead, I'd rather focus on the lighter moments and the positive things each day. Allow myself to be optimistic instead of always worrying about what could go wrong. And the freedom to take risks and chances without assuming total failure right out of the gate. 

I can't believe its been 8 years.

Sometimes it catches me off guard when I'm at the store and I find myself looking at clothes you'll never wear, or the park and a little dark haired boy walks by, or just in general. I think of you. Of how you'd look all grown up. Your laugh. Your smile.

Most days I'm ok, but then there are days like today when the pain is just as fresh as the day I lost you.

I went to the cemetery today, and someone had left flowers. It made me think of all the people you never got a chance to know or them you. It breaks my heart all over again.

I don't cry or feel sorry for myself everyday, but I always remember you. Always.

Happy Birthday son, I love you.

Loss and Regrets

We've experienced a great deal of loss recently in our family. While all were loved and mourned, I don't think any of them affected me as the loss of Granny last week. I'm still in shock I think. It still feels surreal most of the time.

Even though she had a long life, it just doesn't feel like there was enough time. I'm sure no one ever feels life is long enough, but I think most of this was because she always lived long distance and time always seems to stand still when you don't see people everyday/frequently.

She was truly a unique person and despite her faults, she was always inspiring me. She was probably the one person that made me want to be a better person.Of all the regrets in my life, my biggest one will always be not taking the time to tell her how I felt before she passed. Letting disagreements and petty differences dictate the time I spent with the people I loved.

I'm sorry Granny, I love and miss you. Always. 

- Rosebud

It's me again

Well unfortunately I got sidetracked again. I am not sure it is so much sidetracked as allowing myself to become lost in my own chaos. Things change, disasters happen, this is life. I just have to learn how to deal with it without completely falling apart first.

Speaking of which, yesterday was a big day for The Mom. She went to an eye specialist in probably the best hospital in the state. The news was... not what we had hoped for. But we haven't started to despair quite yet. There isn't time for that I suppose.

Still so much to do, we're hopeful.

Rusty Tools

As a recovering quick fix chick, I'm dusting off all the tools I've purchased in the past to help me organize my life and reminding myself daily that the life I live today was not created overnight therefore cannot be fixed/changed overnight. It took years of neglect to get to the point I'm at now, but for years I was looking for the quick fix, miracle pill, the 5 minute movie montage where the lead actor goes from sad lonely mess to full success in life.

Delusional? Yes.
Am I alone in this thinking? I don't think so.

Trying to get everything perfectly done has been my downfall in the past. If it wasn't perfect, it wasn't done right, so I'd start feeling disappointed, stressed, disillusioned, and eventually chocked it up as another failure, never to be bothered with again. The problem with this is that things are never perfect, having a perfectionist attitude was self-sabotaging.

This is where the rusty tools come into play. I wanted to lose weight, for the reasons most people want to lose weight. To have more energy, be healthier, and of course to look great in that one goal outfit in your closet you've been saving for the big reveal. To aid me in my transformation I purchased P90X. I saw the infomercial, the inspirational stories and thought I want to do this.

The DVDs arrived and I threw myself into completely... for a little over a month and stopped. I saw some results but not the drastic amount I wanted to see. I allowed other distractions in my life to become excuses for why I couldn't do the workouts any longer. I didn't have time, it wasn't really working, I couldn't afford the food required for the "real" results. It's so easy to talk yourself out of things, especially when it's become a habit. Eventually I gained back the pounds lost and gained a bit more.

I wanted to get my home organized, found a great website The FlyLady, with all these organizational tools, tips, and tricks. I read the all the info posted and started right away on the schedule.... but I skipped what I know now to be the most important step. Take Baby-steps. I thought I could skip this and everything would go along much quicker. Wrong. All I ended up doing was overwhelming myself once again becoming a frazzled mess and if you haven't guessed it yet, I started feeling disappointed, stressed, disillusioned, and eventually chocked it up as another failure, never to be bothered with again.

This last tool I purchased was the one that was going to really help, really put things in motion and it did!
But like with anything, if you don't commit and practice what you've learned, you won't get the benefits. I had some life altering events occur and knew I needed guidance, something or someone to motivate me. I invested in the Tony Robbins Life Coach system. I listened for 30 days, got the momentum I needed to get things done and things were going pretty well until I allowed stress to interfere with my progress.

What's crazy about my behavior is that I know these things work when done. I have lost weight, I have organized my home, and I have made huge improvements in my life, so why haven't I stuck with it to create the life I want. Simple, I didn't believe I deserved it.

For whatever reason, I convinced myself of this and behaved accordingly. Regaining my confidence hasn't been easy, and like a muscle I've had to strengthen it a little more each day. I'm lucky to have the support of friends, family and especially my boys to help me through all this. I've learned how to love myself as much as my 3 sons love me, because in their eyes I'm not fat, socially awkward or an embarrassment, I'm beautiful, fun, a good cook, a bit crazy and the best mom.

Daily Reminders:

• Love yourself
• Use what you have
• Take babysteps
• Smile & Breathe

Delays & Detours

Like most procrastinators I decided to start my New Year’s resolution in February. One of my resolutions is to start a healthy lifestyle which includes better eating habits and regular exercise, things were coming along nicely and then it happens.

I get sick :(

Catching a bad cold, the flu, or just feeling all around crappy has a way of putting the brakes on most things. While I've been trying to remember how to breathe and desperately keeping myself from coughing up a lung, I have been making a list of things I need to do as soon as I start feeling better. Normally getting sick would deter me and send me on a detour towards bad habits, but this time I’m making certain to stay on track.

A nasty cold or bad day was an easy excuse in the past to slack off and break promises made to myself, saying things like “oh well too much time has passed”, or “I’m not feeling good so I’ll start slow” meaning I'll start four months from then, and my favorite line… “I’ll start on Monday”. Looking back I see my past actions or lack of action not only hurt me, but also my three boys. If I’m not doing my best and not keeping promises to myself, I’m creating a less than positive environment and setting all the wrong examples. I never did care much for the “do as I say and not as I do” attitude.

So as I jot down new things to my Let's Start Living Life Again list “any day is a start day” is in the top five. Being sick may have slowed down my body and caused chaos in my home,  but it also allowed me time to reflect on how I want to do more than start a new chapter in my life, I want to write an entirely new book.  

Little Things

I've always been a fan of "The Butterfly Effect". Events, no matter how small, set into motion things that happen in the future, be it days, weeks, years.

I think the original example went along the lines that the simple flapping of a butterfly's wings could radiate outward and cause a hurricane on the other side of the world. Now while I don't believe that if I'd crushed that butterfly outside of my window I could have prevented Sandy, the idea that small things/actions not only effect you immediately, but can set in motion events that could potentially effect you and others (even strangers) in the future is very appealing.

It's the little things. We're told.

Small acts of kindness or charity that can make all the difference to someone. They add up and have a huge impact. One person can change the world.

Being that I love this theory, it took me a long time to see that it is also the little things that shape our day to day. Of course, we have life defining moments. Huge decisions or events that forever change our lives. But for the most part, it's our every day decisions and actions that write our story.

Those pesky pounds didn't show up overnight. It was changes in schedules, eating habits, lifestyles adding up over a period of time that did that. Relationships, Careers. These are all products of events that were set into motion one small event at a time.

It's the little things. I say.

I used to want to make changes, start new chapters in my life. I always set myself up to fail because I would focus on extreme measures.When they didn't become apparent immediately I would feel like I had failed and give up. I've never been a fan of slow and steady.

When I finally started to break my life down into chapters and look at the changes from one to the next. I realized the small changes where the ones that had the biggest and longest impacts, in my life and in myself. I am able to see the difference in the person I was last year versus the one I am today. I'm able to look into the future and see, not only, the direction I am going, but the possibilities and changes I have before me.

Little changes or accomplishments, no matter how small, that can move you into a new direction or chapter. That can catapult you out of the stale plot of your current existence and into an exciting new beginning.

Today, I'm starting a new beginning, with the little things... 

Stories

I used to believe that life was a journey, a road to be traveled. It's a popular concept. But try as I might, I could never quite see the direction of the road in front of me, it seemed to wind on and on endlessly into the horizon. Looking behind me, the past seemed to smear together in a large blur. Needless to say, I felt 'lost' for a very long time, and I felt like I wasn't 'moving' at all. 

At one point, I described myself as a 'Zax' from a Dr. Suess story, stuck in a position refusing to move, while the world moved around me. I felt like I wasn't changing or progressing at all. Of course, that was not true. I woke up one morning, looked around, and thought to myself  "How in the hell did I get here? And who are you?"

I've always liked books. Stories. The way they change from chapter to chapter, with unexpected events and new encounters, the ending is never what you expect at the beginning. Unpredictable with a mind of its own. Much like life. 

So I've come to the conclusion that life is a story. It has many chapters, some much shorter than others. As we go through chapters, sometimes you just aren't ready for a chapter to end, you want to stay in that moment as long as possible, but you have to let go to truly move on to the next.

I've always had trouble letting go. I've realized that it's not a long, dusty, unchanging road I'm struggling to get down, I'm stuck in a revolving plot at the end of a chapter. To move on, I must let go....