Tired.

I've been slightly 'under the weather' so I've just felt tired most of the week. Irritable and moody, I can hardly stand myself these last few days. I find that my patience, usually thin, is even more scarce. Especially with The Mom and day to day issues.

My 'to-do' list isn't dwindling as quickly as I would like, so I'm starting to get impatient and feel overwhelmed. But I lack focus and motivation.

I think the biggest thing is I'm still looking for work. Who isn't in this economy. It's been months and I am exhausted physically and emotionally from it. Wednesday appeared to be a beacon in the storm, it was a productive day and I got a message from a prospective job. Maybe I'm just impatient, but after returning their message I expected to hear something almost immediately, but it has been days and no word. So I'm feeling let down and deflated all over again. Just tired.

Weekly Rewrite

Looking back and ahead has given me new perspective, not only in day to day life, but also in my own habits and choices. I've noticed a pattern in my life; I'm always quick to focus on the negative. I used to think that this was because I had so much of it (more than my share) or that nothing positive existed.

It's not just merely overlooking the silver lining. Much like focusing on the cloud itself so intently that it consumed me, paralyzed and overwhelmed I felt lost. Day after day it surrounded and suffocated me, until I felt like there was nothing left of myself. Hopeless, alone, worthless... You name it.

It colored my entire life.

Last month's onslaught of tragedy reminded me of a great many things. Not only is life, itself, a gift, the greater gift is time. What you make of the time you have is up to you. I know that might sound like regurgitated Hallmark fluff, but it boils down to this. Things happen everyday. Good. Bad. Death. Life. It's what we choose to do with each of them that really matters.

I can choose to focus on the negative things in my life, believe me there are plenty. But it robs me of the joy of existing and potential positivity. Rays of light, no matter how small, that I couldn't see because I was too busy staring into the abyss.

(I'm not talking about depression. That is in itself a completely different animal.)

I have no misguided notions that I will transform into a 'perky cheerleader' type personality overnight. I know that I will still have bad days and moments of hopelessness. But looking ahead, I'd rather focus on the lighter moments and the positive things each day. Allow myself to be optimistic instead of always worrying about what could go wrong. And the freedom to take risks and chances without assuming total failure right out of the gate.